I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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