I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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