Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
