Soap is not a condiment
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize