new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
