walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
