She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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