I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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