why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
