Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
