Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
