She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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