So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
