sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
