My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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