just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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