I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
