there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
