stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
