Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
