I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
