apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
