Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
