I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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