Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
