So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
