her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
