I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
