If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
