Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
