You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize