you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
