I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
