a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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