I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
