wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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