I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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