just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
