I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
