Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
