shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
