Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
