that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm at about main and main street
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize