he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The air was thick with penises
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
