So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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