I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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