I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize