u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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