I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
