The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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