You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
