i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just forgot I was standing up.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
