You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
