I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
