Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
