she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
