3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
