mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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