She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize