I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize