I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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