i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
